With male teenage suicide rates on the rise, the old adage “big boys don’t cry” may need to be readdressed.
Traditionally boys are taught to be tough, not to cry, and shrug off their emotions.
However, recent studies are showing this may not be the healthiest strategy to teach boys how to handle emotion.
While no one wants to raise what may be considered a “mama’s boy” or a “wimp”, boys need to be allowed to feel a range of emotions, and they need to be taught how to acknowledge and manage them in an appropriate way.
In light of this realization, there has been a huge push recently to teach our children, boys included, what has been coined as Emotional Intelligence.
Proven to be equally as important as academic intelligence when considering overall child development, Emotional Intelligence helps children identify and manage emotions.
This helps them understand themselves better, how to react and respond appropriately, as well as be able to understand the emotions of others.
In turn, this prepares them to be better siblings, friends, and partners. Under those pretenses, here are 5 reasons why you should let boys cry.
5 Good Reasons You Should Let Boys Cry
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- Prior to puberty, boys are more likely than girls to experience symptoms of depression. When they are told not to cry and stifle their urge to do so, the emotion behind that urge doesn’t simply disappear. Stifled sadness can quickly turn to anger in boys and young men and is often released in bursts of anger or defiance. They don’t understand the anger or where it stems from, and it builds until they find some way to let the anger out externally. This can lead to behavior issues at school, with peers, and at home.
- When boys are taught to express their emotions and stay connected to their feelings, they learn to manage their anger in healthier, more productive ways. Instead of acting out in anger, they can learn healthy alternatives to deal with their feelings, such as talking to a parent about it, taking it out on a workout, writing it out in a journal, or expressing it playing guitar, for example.
- Boys who don’t express their emotions grow into men who don’t know how to express themselves or be emotionally available. This can cause issues in marriages, in parenting, as well as in work relationships. If we teach young boys appropriate ways to deal with emotions and emotional situations, they will grow up better able to handle these circumstances as men. Marriages will be healthier, fathers will be better equipped to deal with tough issues with their children, and employees with be more productive and better team players.
- As boys are taught to “man up” and hide their emotions, the coping method they learn is to become stoic, shut down, and keep their feelings to themselves. Studies have shown that this directly correlates to men being less likely to seek mental health assistance when needed, leading to higher rates of clinical depression, anxiety, and similar issues that can accelerate and worsen when left unaddressed.
- Allowing your boy to cry, while telling him you understand how he feels and providing guidance on appropriate ways to handle that emotion, provides him a sense of belonging, of being understood, and of being loved for who he is. This builds self-esteem and strengthens the parent-child bond. This is not to be confused with coddling or over-protecting a child but should be considered as an excellent way to model and teach acceptable outlets for expressing emotion.
Boys feel all the same emotions girls do.
For some reason, our society has traditionally thought it was okay for girls to show these emotions while boys were expected to toughen up and hold it in.
This has lead to generations of men who don’t know how to connect emotionally in numerous aspects of their lives.
If we can allow our boys to cry while also teaching healthy ways to express and manage their emotions, we can raise a generation of men better prepared to handle stressful situations, be better partners, and live overall healthier, happier lives without sacrificing their masculinity.
No matter how old your child is, they will always be your baby.
But that doesn’t mean your baby won’t grow up.
When your child becomes old enough to start dating, things can get scary. It’s a big leap for all of you and you need to be thinking ahead.
So let’s prepare for these big changes by learning the four steps every mom should take when their teen starts dating.
Here we go!
4 Steps Moms Should Take When Their Teens Start Dating
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One of the best things you can do before your child is ready to date is to set up some rules that they understand have to be followed at all times.
This means that before dating even becomes a thing in your home, you have made it very clear to your child how you feel, and what’s expected, including what age they are allowed to start.
Image via Flickr by Steve A Johnson
List out all of your rules including where they are allowed to go, if they have to go in a group, and when you would expect them home.
If you have these “rules” in place before dating begins, then your child won’t have false expectations, and everything is likely to go more smoothly.
Discuss Physical Relationships
The topic of sex and physical relationships doesn’t have to be tough or awkward and it’s really important.
There is no set age when a child will become interested in sex, and it is dangerous to assume they are too young.
Kids see things in movies, hear things from friends, and know more than you think, which is why it is important that you discuss sex with them at a fairly early age.
Statistics show that children who have had parents who openly discuss sex typically delay sexual interactions, use protection when they finally decide to have sex, and have fewer partners.
So don’t be afraid to dive right in and tell them they can come to you and tell you ANYTHING at any time.
Do Your Research
You can find a lot out about your children’s potential date by doing some online research.
Search Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and other social media sites.
Ask around to other parents and acquaintances who have contact with the prospective child.
Reach out to his or her parents, and learn a little more about them as well as your child’s love interest.
This will help ease your mind and you can discuss it further with your child.
Meet Their Date
No matter how much your teen protests, never let your child go running out the door without meeting their date first.
It is important for you to know who he or she is.
Plus, when your child has to bring their date inside to say hello, it sets the tone for the night.
Without words it allows you to say “I am here, watching, and expecting you to treat my child right.”
And in reality, if your teen can’t handle bringing their date inside, then they probably aren’t ready to go on a date in the first place.
No mom is ever ready to have their baby grow up, but we all know we can’t stop it from happening.
However, we can do everything in our power to keep them safe and prepare them for what’s to come.
Most importantly let your child know that you are always there for them and they can talk to you at any time with stress or worry.
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Raising a stubborn child is one of the more difficult challenges of parenting. When I was in college, one of my part-time jobs was babysitting a stubborn child.
During the interview with her mother, I was told that J. was strong-willed. Mom was frustrated and didn’t have any suggestions for how to deal with her stubbornness. With all of the confidence that a nineteen-year-old woman could possibly possess, I was sure that, with all of my years of childcare experience, I would be able to help.
Boy, did J. prove me wrong.
At every opportunity, J. would argue with me. At four-years-old, she could debate me about the color of the sky for an hour. I would walk into the kitchen to put lunch together, and step back into the living room five minutes later to find a crayon masterpiece on the walls.
When nap time rolled around, she would lay in her bed and scream like she was being beaten. Once, I had to run to the store for what I hoped would be a quick trip, with J. in tow. I ended up carrying her out of the store, surfboard style, as she called me names for not buying her a cupcake at the bakery.
What I didn’t Understand then Was that all behavior is communication.
When J. was fiercely defending her right to color on the walls, she was trying to tell me that she needed a creative outlet. When she debated the color of the sky, she just wanted to be right. When she didn’t get what she wanted at the store, she needed some control over her life.
Neither I, nor J’s mom, were being bad caregivers; we just failed to realize that J’s personality was strong and that she needed to be in a leadership position. Kids may also seem stubborn because they are overwhelmed or simply because they are having a bad day.
Today, being blessed with 3 stubborn children of my own, I have learned some ways that I can help my kids get the outcome they need, while I still get the results I need.
Here are five ways I’ve found to help your stubborn child.
Give choices
Instead of asking your stubborn child to get dressed, which can overwhelm someone to the point of non-compliance, lay out two clothing choices. “Please choose an outfit to wear,” gives those with strong personalities the feeling that they are in control, and helps those who may feel overwhelmed by narrowing their choices down to just two.
You as the parent are happy because kiddo isn’t dressed in purple pants with a yellow top and mismatched socks.
Help the communication
Many times, a child may seem stubborn because they can’t communicate what’s wrong. A child who refuses to eat dinner may have sensory issues, or may merely have a bit of tummy trouble and not feel like eating tonight.
Asking questions can help to narrow down these issues to get to the heart of the matter. However, because young children don’t have all of the tools to effectively communicate more complex needs, you may need to guide them. Keep the questions light, with a conversational tone, so that kiddo doesn’t feel like she is in trouble; if she does, she will get defensive or stop talking altogether.
Explain why
When I grew up, “because I said so,” was the answer I always received when I asked why. I wasn’t overly stubborn, so this response usually just made me mad. However, with a stubborn child, hearing “because I said so,” is a guarantee of a quick trip to temper tantrum island.
In this case, your child isn’t being stubborn because they don’t like you or they are trying to be difficult; they simply want a deeper understanding of why something has to be done.
A friend of mine has an autistic son who refuses to do anything if the only reason to do so is that it’s socially acceptable. To him, that’s not a valid reason. If she said “because I said so,” he would just not comply with her request.
In that situation, she needs to explain to him why she’s asking him to do a particular task. It’s just the way his brain works.
Keep It Simple
Kids need everything in small doses. When you are trying to find out what triggers your child’s stubbornness, start small. Don’t ask questions for thirty minutes if they refuse to put on their shoes. If you don’t have the answer after a few questions, you have to realize that you are not going to find the solution today, and hope for better results tomorrow. Keeping things simple helps keep your child from feeling overwhelmed or interrogated.
Also make sure that as you make changes to help adjust behavior, you remember the need for small doses. Making accommodations does not mean that stubbornness will end tomorrow. There may be a long road ahead of you.
Get Help When You Need It
Sometimes, parents are not great at communicating with their kids. That’s not a fault in the parent; childhood behavior and communication is something that people study for years, and still don’t consider themselves experts.
There wasn’t a Parenting Fairy who gifted you with the right tools for parenting upon the birth of your child. You are going to stumble occasionally.
When that happens, you may need help. A behavioral therapist that specializes in children may be able to help you and your child communicate better. Seeking help does not make you a failure, or label your child “difficult.”
It merely means that you have reached the point where you realize there is an issue that you alone cannot solve. It happens to all parents at some point.
When you take the time to help a stubborn child, you will find genuinely unexpected rewards.
A child who tested your patience can become loving and compliant when you understand what is triggering the stubbornness. Helping them learn how to communicate better will ease the journey you will be taking together, and will surely make things more comfortable as you navigate the messy teen years, which will happen sooner than you think!
I really hope this helps and good luck 🙂
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